It’s been five years since George Carlin passed away. I wanted to mark his passing.
George’s anti-conformist, question-everything views meshed well with my teen-aged attitudes and Yankee-liberal beliefs. He influenced my politics more than any other individual. His perfect control of pitch and tempo, specific use of profanity, and pointed observations of the everyday-absurd shaped my sense of humour, including my Wisdom for the Day blog.
I used to watch videotapes of his HBO specials with my friend Pete up his room, door closed again his parents hearing us. We’d watch them endlessly, having to pause and rewind because we were laughing so hard. Expressions like “some people are fucking stupid” and “The planet isn’t going anywhere. We are!” and “You don’t take a shit. You leave a shit.” wormed their way into our vernacular.
And when I found so many of these specials on Netflix, I almost put my marriage at risk listening to them constantly.
So to honour George, here’s “The Modern Man”, which sums up what I love about him. All the useless jargon rammed into one soliloquy that reads like poetry. On its own, each terms acts like fertilizer—a little bit to help facilitate the process of salesmanship.
But taken together, George has exposed them for what they are: a big pile of shit. Thanks, George.

The Modern Man by George Carlin

I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free.

A diversified multi-cultural post-modern deconstructionist, politcally, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.

I’ve been uplinked and downloaded.

I’ve been inputed and outsourced.

I know the upside of downsizing.

I know the downside of upgrading.

I’m a high-tech lowlife, a state-of-the-art bi-coastal multitasker, and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

I’m new wave, but I’m old school, and my inner child is outward bound.

I’m a hot-wired, heat-seeking, warm-hearted cool customer.

Voice-activated and biodegradeble.

I interface with my database, and my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive, and from time to time, I’m radioactive.

Behind the 8-ball, ahead of the curve, riding the wave, dodging the bullet, pushing the envelope.

I’m on point, on task, on message, and off drugs.

I got no need for coke and speed.

I have no urge to binge and purge.

I’m in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar.

A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistics missionary.

A street-wise smart bomb.

A top-gun bottom-feeder.

I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, I run victory laps.

I’m a totally ongoing, bigfoot, slamdunk ,rainmaker with a proactive outreach.

A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic, out of rehab and in denial.

I got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant, and a personal agenda.

You can’t shut me up, you can’t dumb me down, ’cause I’m tireless, and I’m wireless.

I’m an alpha male on beta blockers.

I’m a non-believer and an overachiever.

Laid back, but fashion forward.

Pp front, down home, low rent, high maintenance.

Super size, long lasting, high definition, fast acting, oven ready, and built to last.

I’m a hands-on, footloose, kneejerk headcase, prematurly post-traumatic, and I have a love child who sends me hate mail.

But I’m feeling, I’m caring.

I’m healing, I’m sharing.

A supportive, bonding, nurturing, primary caregiver.

My output is down, but my income is up.

I take a short position on a long bond, and my revenue stream has its own cash flow.

I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports.

I’m gender specific, capital intensive, user friendly, and lactose intolerant.

I like rough sex.

I like tough love.

I use the F-word in my e-mails, and the software on my hard drive is hardcore, no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a minimall.

I bought a minivan at a megastore.

I eat fast food in the slow lane.

I’m tollfree, bite size, ready to wear, and I come in all sizes.

A fully equipped, factory authorized, hospital tested, clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle.

I’ve been prewashed, precooked, preheated, prescreened, preapproved, prepackaged, postdated, freeze dried, double wrapped, vacuum packed, and I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal.

Lean and mean, cocked, locked, and ready to rock.

Rough, tough, and hard to bluff.

I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide, I got glide in my stride.

Drivin’ and movin’, sailin’ and spinin’, jivin’ and groovin’, wailin’ and winnin’.

I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose.

I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road.

I party hardy, and lunch time is crunch time.

I’m hangin’ in, there ain’t no doubt, and I’m hangin’ tough, over and out.